Dear Matt,
As the foremost authority on these boards and generally in my circle of life on alcohol, questionable women, and general debauchery, I feel it's my civic duty to steer you in the right ways in light of your recent weekend brouhaha.
First off, I'm not here to just criticize. As a member of the male gender, "partying" (which we're using because this is a family board) with younger women is just something we do. When I went to prom? Girl was 2 years younger. When college hit again every fall? The freshman girls from last year never seemed to look as good as the incoming ones. Ever. There will be a time, Matt, when you have that epiphany. When it becomes wierd to be with girls of a certain age. I remember my time. When I finally realized that I was too old to chase high school tail. When it suddenly sounded really awful when she asked me to prom. As painful as it was, I acknowledged it. There are exceptions. Those pushing 30 types that long ago made a promise to themselves one night crying in their bedroom, half mast, that "one day I'll date a cheerleader, they'll all see" that now, after losing all their hair, buying a nice house, nice car, have a good job because no one actually wanted to hang out with them in college...there are those guys that find some naive 17 year old saying "I hate guys from my high school. They're just too immature." as they swipe daddy's credit card for more Abercrombie and Fitch crap. You're not one of those. Neither am I. Or most men. So I'm not going the whole "pro athlete partying with college girls" route. You're 25. Likely, they were in, over, or around 20. That's not too bad.
Hanging out with Nick Lachey is. He's a D-bag. And I don't mean "Democrat." Though the overall definition is close to the same. We know this. We've known this for years. Nick Lachey isn't a guy other men hate because they envy him. He's not Brad Pitt or to me, Wilt the Stilt (seriously, 20 K Big Guy?). He's a tool. According to both the rapid growth of genitals in the pre-pubescent years and because I've seen too much Maury Povich, Lachey was old enough to be some of those girls' daddy.
Which brings me to another point. Matt, I wasn't one of those guys who railed on abouto how much I hated you in college. I liked USC to a degree, though mostly because of your coach, not you. But weren't YOU supposed to be the big, mature guy? Came back for his 4th year when he coulda been a #1 pick? Loved college and learning so much that he HAD to taste one last round of So. Cal? Money can wait? College isn't forever? All that good crap? Wasn't Vince Young the arrogant guy, full of himself and leaving early after an NC win? Something you didn't do? Wow, so much for that. You too are a daddy. I know, the bitter broad has mentioned what a loose term that is with you, but be it as it may, your kid is pushing probably 2 or 3 now. I don't keep up. Ask my girlfriend. She's into that Hard Copy crap. You realize in a mere 20 years, that will be YOUR daughter (or son, whatever) sitting in a hot tub like that, likely getting defiled that night? Probably didn't think of that, didja soldier?
And the beer bong? Please. If there's one art of drinking that's overrated, the beer bong is it. Can't be a man? Drink a cube of Icehouse in a night straight? Do an old fashioned keg stand? And for crissakes, you're a PRO athlete. Do you really need to be pouring Naughty Ice or (the Brad Miller special) Keystone Light down the throats of yourself and college girls? You have enough coin in your account to feed everyone in Belgium....or if you wanna get drunk, bong Johnny Walker Blue. Yet this is how you get your jollies? No wonder you party with wide eyed college girls and boy band rejects instead of current teammates or NFL players. Try telling Edgerrin James "dude, I'll hold the bong...you think you can get it all down!?!?!?" See what kinda response THAT elicits.
But most of all Matt, take it from me, respect is a fine line. You can lose it forever in one night. And right now, you don't have any of it. From fans, or more importantly....your offensive line. Yes, the girls were cute. Again, you're an NFL quarterback. It's your civic duty to everything holy that the girls you surround yourself with are tip top. Only Jon Kitna and your buddy Kurt Warner buck this trend. Maybe you say Brenda Warner and said "that could be me!?" and went a little psycho on yourself. But you look like a joke. Even one the Cardinals of football Arizona shouldn't keep around.
I'm not asking you to stop having fun. Maybe you'd like actually learning your kid's name. Maybe taking he/she/it to the park one day. To Disney Land (whichever one is out in Cal, because no one respects you anywhere else). I'm not even asking you to stop partying as a whole. Sometimes a good binge drinking warms the soul. But I am telling you, ya might wanna consider growing up, sir. Beer bongs and girls putting your picture on Facebook for their some attractive, some horribly homely friends to comment on are for 17 year olds. Then again, having such a rag arm on out routes to the wide side of the field reminds me of 17 year olds too....
Your buddy,
Teddy
PS: When the mountains turn blue, it means the Coors IS ready.
